The Beast: Jess vs. NCLEX style
What a day yesterday. What a series of days. This is wild. I wrote that beast. I have NO idea if I passed or not as of yet and no hunch but I've been receiving lots of good vibes from bright soon-to-be-nurses so that has made my day go from tearful to calm and thankful.
I slept like a log last night and woke up before my alarm (well before, but with a positive adrenaline energy!). I ate and putzed like my normal morning routine and then took a beautifulllll sunny ride to the test centre, arriving 45 minutes early (so technically only 15 minutes early). This allowed me to visit the test centre doors and then have a nice and needed washroom break! I felt super good.
In the test centre (I went to St. Claire) it was calm and easy to find. There is a small entry way with a desk, the palm vein scanner, camera, coat rack, and a set of 12 little lockers. I walked in and was met by a lovely staff member who asked for my ID (which had my signature on it) and told me to take off any wrist jewelry (ie. watches, large scrunchies, etc), empty my pockets, and she gave me a key to the locker I would be borrowing for my time there (for free!...or included in the $360 exam fee?). She put my phone in a sealed bag, returned it to me and I put it in my locker. My bag of snacks, phone, wallet, medications, and waterbottle were in my locker now. All I had on me was my ID and locker key. I stretched about the room, watched a fellow test taker crush their sunglasses in anxiety (ps. I spilt my blue smoothie on the floor first thing this am). After she signed in the other 10 writers at 0800 hrs, she called us each individually for a signature, palm vein, and picture (#nosmile). Then I was ASKED to go to the back room (do not go past the desk unless asked!) where I was asked to show my pockets, my ID and key, offered tissues and foam ear plugs. I was then led to my desk which had a set of sound cancelling ear plugs and headphones. I opted to wear the earplugs under the sound cancelling ones for max volume shut out. I was also given a legal sized, yellow-laminated paper as a white board with two thin white board markers.
My cubical was just me. I couldnt see anyone else. I felt safe... so strange. I have written the past 4 years of nursing school with accommodations because I have severe test anxiety but, having opted to do HESI testing with my colleagues, I trained for this shit. Nevertheless, there were 10 desks, with comfy ass chairs and it was quiet. So not overwhelming at all. I was really impressed! I clicked start by my name, read the instructions, and begun my time. The initial bit is a tutorial that is included in the exam time. . . after that (which introduces you to the system which is BASiCALLY UWorld) I begun my test. The system, unlike uworld, did not allow highlighting or crossing out options (or a previous). I chose to click out the time and the #of Qs. I also wrote little reminders on my white board. "1. breathe 2. you got this shit"... realizing now, swearing may not have been the best option since I didnt get to erase it but I digress. Whats done is done.
I finished the exam way quicker than the "see you in 6 hours babe" I told to my partner and when the computer shut off I felt my eyes swell with tears of sadness and despair. For the first hour post-exam I felt like shit. Like my world caved in because the exam finished. I did not find it hard and Mark and Marlene said it should be hard. I felt I had seen all of it before. I had so many select all that apply's though so it felt overwhelming and I felt wrong. After sending a few texts to friends and family I was reassured by a nursing friend who told me all of these things were a good sign. Numerous individuals reminded me how fucking hard I have worked... I set out a plan, beginning last September, to write on June 1st of this year. I wrote on June 2nd after following my 6 week study plan to a friggin T. I am SO proud of my tenacity and determination. I NEVER thought I could have that discipline.
After a full day of putzing, reading, staring, chatting, and breathing... I am calm. Although I will not know the outcome for a few days I feel like a weight has been lifted. I was true to myself and I feel that there is so much more that I can accomplish now. I am excited (and scared) to dive more into exposure therapy, allowing me to revisit/build with things that have plagued me. I hope to read a butt tonne of Indigenous books, plan my first ever >12 hour roadie/drive through northern ontario/>3days camping trip with the love of my life (no...not Kara). So much lies ahead, hopefully the results come soon and are what I had planned and hoped for. In the event that I did not pass the exam, I have planned to take my month travel, return and study for a few weeks in a different method and retake the test. Here's hoping my backup plan doesnt have to be used.
To all those writing now, tomorrow, or in two months. BREATHE. Study your tush off but trust yourself and your loved ones. Positive self-talk is so important. And so are dogs... heres mine at the park for our play day today!
