NCLEX Exam Tomorrow

These past few days have been a blur.... from yearning to get my ATT to booking my exam and finding myself here, writing this post needing a brief and Ondansetron for my inability to control my bodily functions. To continue to support those who support me, I am going to continue being transparent about this process.

"Add an engaging title" wix tells me... how about holy %&@# I am writing my exam in t-minus 11 hours.

OMFG I AM WRITING THIS THING TOMORROW.

Rewinding...Wednesday I was studying with a love and we ranted on and on about how we wanted to just know when we could write. Not 10 minutes before I left her (and was headed underground #subway) did we receive our emails giving permission.

1. of course, when I cannot access my computer immediately this would happen

2. Brain storm... called my partner and coordinated a laptop drop off.

3. Sat with a Raddler on a sunny patio with my nervous dog, though for once she was significantly less nervous than I.

4. Logged on, feverishly opened my emails and began registration. . . paid and ready for that scheduling business...

5. realized that the email received was NOT my ATT and was "merely" my eligibility notice from the college... SO CONFUSING and aggravating

6. Cursed a bit, call a few colleagues... all in the same boat

7. 30 minutes pass with no ATT still. Packing up my bag and laptop and guess what my phone yells at me... ATT!

8. Log back on groaning. Click the email, #SNS.

9. Rally for 10 minutes debating between all possible test centres, dates, and times. Select one. Delete. Change centre. No dates I like. Change centre. None. Return to first centre. Select time and date. Delete.

10. I ended up choosing a test centre that is in an area I have recently been increasingly familiar with Tomorrow Morning.

In the end of all this franticness, I selected a test date ONE day after the date I hoped to be ready to write when I guestimated 6 weeks earlier. WOAH. Shit just happened reaaaaaaaaaaaal fast.

Last night I stomped around, angry and bitter at how strenuous this process has been and realized half of this struggle hasnt even been about the exam itself. Nevertheless, I am trying to stay true to myself. Last night, after scheduling my exam, I rushed through all my notes in a panic with my partner, riffing off a variety of medications, side effects, therapeutic ranges, arrhythmias, treatments, and more... then I broke down and cried. This is soooooooo overwhelming.

This exam has such a bad rap, literally all the sources I studied from have said "the worse you feel, the better you are doing..." WTF, come on people, have some kindness.

Today I woke up at the ripe ol' buttcrack of dawn to do my last round of uworld and saw significant (?) improvement, but still feel inadequate and underprepared for this exam. I have memorized the address, gone through the exam intructions 100x over so as to have as few surprises as possible. I felt like I needed to review all my material today, but i just was in a fog. Staying true to the past 4 years of studying, I do not study so close up to the exam because it inflicts doubt and fear and so many other personally depreciating emotions... so I crafted house flops today>>>

I feel like vomit. I feel terrified. I feel inadequate. I feel terrible. I am scared about tomorrow. About noise, missing documents, feeling shitty.

I have worked SO HARD, tirelessly, relentlessly, resiliently all throughout nursing school. I have beat my own odds. I have crushed and squished and stomped on that stupid inner voice that tells me I cant. I have done this. I have had loving help, but I have gotten myself this far. Since writing things out helps me, this is my message to myself:

Jess,

Get your head out of your ass and smile because you are loved by a long list of things, including that tiny fluffball of a dog.

This exam in NO way defines you. This exam is NOT you. Do not forget you have worked HARD. Since you know you think worst case scenario... stop, cuz everyone told you to and youve analyzed that for the past four years so throw that crap away, just for today. Trust your gut....it is your second brain... BREATHE. And think of the nice nap you will have with Kara.

Jess. You can fucking kick ass, even if it feels sub par. Even if it feels awful.

Excited to bike bright and early tomorrow to my familiar area with my partner and continue preparing for the best career in the world.

**check back tomorrow for the post-nclex emotion check in**