My History with Mental Illness

Hey! I wrote this blurb so you can learn about why I have this website :) In April 2012 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression following suicidal ideations and hallucinations. The months leading up to planning my own death I was living in residence, a small, two person room (with an amazing roommate) and my time consisted a lot of watching cartoons in bed, eating fruit loops, missing out on my favourite thing at the time, field hockey, and having a general disconnect from life. I told a friend that I was making a plan to take myself away from this world. I was also burning myself to cope. After my hospitalization I was given a psychiatrist appointment for a whopping five days later… During this time I started writing… goodbye letters to everyone I knew. Until, I came to writing to my little sister. Unable to justify to the little rugrrat who looks up to me so much, I knew I had to tough it out. I began the trial and error process of medication, waiting, suffering the side effects, changing, suffering from withdrawal accompanied by the new drug side effects, and so on. Until I landed on one that worked. I needed to see my psychiatrist every four weeks, I needed a psychologist as well. I moved back home and became somewhat stable after finally following my medication regime for 6 months I thought it was time to switch to natural methods in the summer of 2013. After a few months I began having weekly episodes of vomiting, which would later be discovered as my anxiety. None of my illnesses made any sense to me, and still do not. It took so long to settle into the idea anxiety was the cause of these dreadful occurrences, but when I went back on medication in the fall and things subsided. Though, I did leave my job because of my bodies instability. Fast forward a few years, I have been on my medication, increasing its dose, for over two years. During this time I have come to appreciate my history with mental illness and advocated, putting on the first annual Mental Health Awareness Week at George Brown College in February 2015. The summer of 2015 was very difficult for me. My anxiety sort of took over. Nauseated 24/7 and my heart feeling like its knocking down my chest wall. I found it difficult to eat, and still do. My family and loved ones often need to choose food for me as the thoughts are so awful. I went to Europe, and things did not get better. I switched jobs to something more suitable to my interests, and had to quit. I developed what is undiagnosed Irritable Bowel Syndrome, making it hard to leave the house at my leisure for fear of no washroom access or inadequate access. The overload of all these factors and more creates a cycle that integrates depression. I find myself falling back into suicidal ideations (and yes, all my health care providers and loved ones know about these, I am very open and have safeguards). My best descriptions of my episodes of depression are expressed in my poetry that I have included. This fall I have been waiting for several important appointments. Recently, I have been prescribed a higher dose of my medication and suggested to take birth control as I may be experiencing Premenstrual Dysthymic Disorder (PMDD).

I am definitely open to comments about any of the content here, additionally, I would like to highlight that some of the content may be triggering. In the event that you find yourself triggered, please go to my last post for some helpful tips and/or health services to help you cope. I encourage you to reflect on what you read to help increase you awareness of yourself. I hope you can learn and enjoy the rawness!

jcrawf